PHOTO MUCHACHOslow down everyone- you're moving too fast.
Everyone’s sentences begin with “OK” or “Yeah, so” or “Yo, hey. Yeah, no.”
Laurie Simmons’ daughter goes to her boss at the publishing house or literary agency and explains that she needs money. He fires her. She goes to meet a guy she sleeps with, an a hunky shirtless abusive woodworking actor who hates his parents. He tries to insert his penis into her rectum. She objects. He inserts his penis into her vagina. She talks about how it’s getting dark later. He asks her to stop talking.
Facebook texting Twitter Gchat Gchat Gchat smart phones.
The Drummer from Bad Company’s daughter thinks Laurie Simmons’ daughter should just go back to her parents and explain to them that she is an artist. She fights with Brian Williams’ daughter: “You can’t just mother her like this.” Brian Williams’ daughter and the Drummer from Bad Company’s daughter have a heart to heart while the Drummer from Bad Company’s daughter is on the toilet (shitting?).
Yo hey. Yeah no.
YES OF COURSE THERE’S A FUCKING FEIST SONG."
At least there is first this, this summer, this gauzy idyll with Dan. The two of them playing house, eating waffles, lounging nude by the pool, feeding each other cherries, the blood-red juice dribbling down their chins until it is caught by the other’s tongue. Long nights of getting tangled in the sheets, longer days of lying on the grass, Dan reading aloud from a book, Erik resting his head on Dan’s chest and feeling the warm thrum of his heart. The sun lemony and cozy above them, a soft green breeze whispering through the yard. In the years after, in the many years after, Erik will look back on these few months as perhaps his happiest ever. A time when two people disappeared into each other and created their own universe together. When a house and a person was enough. When the world was simple and uncluttered and impossibly lovely. When a boy named Dan Humphrey would come bounding out of the house onto the porch, carrying a pitcher of lemonade or a bottle of wine and would stop for a brief moment, smiling as he gazed at Erik sitting and waiting, Erik seeing that Dan was as happy as he was. That he too wouldn’t mind letting the rest of the world forget them forever.
But of course the world always finds us, always interferes once more. And then there is college, and then there is… life, I suppose. The rattle and clamor of wheels rolling on drowns out the rush of the ocean, the hollow song of wind chimes, the hush of hot breath on a neck. That’s just what time does. It moves us along and eventually evaporates us — we are but clouds in the sky. We are merely molecules and memory, secrets and skin. As ephemeral as wishes, as fast and as fleeting as gossip.
Happy summers, everyone."
"So Blair’s in! She’s going to become a princess!!!!!! Holy cats, it’s all she’s ever dreamed of. If only the prince was more handsome and didn’t have an accent-related speech impediment. Sorry! Let’s just deal with facts here because we are adults, in theory. You’ve all been thinking it. But oh well. The point is, it’s princess time. Or is it??? Louis took Blair aside and was like “I love you but I think you are very obsessed with Le Chuck, so if you really love me, I’ll be at the fundraiser for your high school that I’ve never been to and that you invited me to. I’ll be there without you, which isn’t weird at all, and you can come find me. If you come, we’ll get married. If you don’t come, I can go again, seriously, just give me a minute, maybe you can be on top or something.” Haaa. He didn’t say that last part, sadly. But yes. If Blair goes to the party to find him, she loves him. No brainer."
"Naturally this terrified mama and she hopped the last Concorde and zoomed across the Atlantic to go clean this shit up. She was going to clean this merde up and clean it up good. French bitch, coming through. Watch out world. Blair, of course, was oblivious. Oblivious until she suddenly heard “Hymne Monégasque” blaring and the prince’s Monacan mama kicked the door down and said “Where is sheeee??” Uh oh. Not good. Blair ran and hid but it was too late. The old crone grabbed her by the hair and pulled her up and spat in her face. She then turned to the prince, cowering and pissing in a corner, and said “OK, buster brown, enough fucking your painted whores [thanks, Game of Thrones]. It’s time you got married.” Nooooo! But, unfortunately, yes."
"Right before the party Serena was visited by a terrible demon that some folks call “Vanessa,” the spirit of a long-dead cavewoman that is now a knotty tangle of bad juju and magicks. The Vanessa came to tell Serena what she had overheard — that Ben had done dastardly things in prison and whatnot. Like he’d had Nate’s dad beat up or something. Whatever. The point is, this further shook Serena’s confidence in Ben, so at the party she was really ready to talk to him about the affidavit and get mad or sad or something. But when she confronted him he was like “The hell you talking about?” and meanwhile Lily was upstairs talking to Lactaid, Ben’s mom, because of course Chuck would invite this random woman no one’s ever met before to his big “What Could Go Wrong?” party. Of course."
"Can we just talk about this for a second? Indulge me. Has anyone, ever, in the history of the entire world, from the ancient Phoenicians to the future Chinomerican Continental Dwellers, ever cared about a Bass Industries plotline? I really don’t think anyone has. Why would we? Is your typical Gossip Gimps audience member really that concerned about real estate holding companies and the various wheelings and/or dealings that happen within them? No! I understand that you have to have Chuckles do something other than catfish his way into ladies’ pants (I mean, I guess I sort of understand), but why not then make him do something interesting, instead of running a boring old hotel? Have him produce a movie! That’s fun! And you could introduce diva director and actor characters and Serena could get a part unexpectedly and it could be a whole season’s worth of stuff. Chuck Perry Presents: Chuck Perry’s Why Did We Buy This Hotel Too?. I would watch that. But, the dude from Spin City talking about acquisition deals with dumpy grownups? I’m sorry, I just fell asleep writing that sentence. Is it tomorrow? Did I write the rest of the recap? How’d it go?"
"Inevitably Blair’s business coincided with Chuck’s business. Chuck and Raina are together and she is trying to make her father’s purchase of Catfish Enterprises as smooth as possible for Chuck. It is not very possible for it to be smooth at all, but these star-blinded young lovers don’t know that yet. For now they’re just bumping pretties and throwing lust/caution to the wind. Which brings us, snooooooooze, to the business wheelings and dealings. Man oh man how much do you not care at all about the fate of Bass Industries? You know what was really funny last night? That there was a whole subplot about Nate’s dad’s job. !!! “Will Nate’s dad keep his job???? Find out on the next Gossip Girl.” Everyone was so worried about Nate’s dad’s job!! But yeah, there was all this nonsense business stuff about the guy from Spin City doing stuff to the Chuckles Corporation and it was very much like zzzzzZZzzzzzzzz. But what’s important to note out of all that rot and buggery is that Chuck was like “Let me throw a cool party to prove that you should keep the Bassdustries name once you buy it.” And the guy was like “OK."
"I never thought I’d be so gushy about a plotline on this show (that didn’t involve Erik and Dan slow waltzing and sharing a tender kiss as a soft snow fell and Nate ice skated on a lonely winter pond, weeping crystal blue tears), but here it is, and I’m lovin’ it™. I mean, it’s going to devolve into grossness, of course it will, because Dan is a really gross character (not to say that Penn Badgley is gross, not after how charming he was in Easy A) and it’s just going to be awkward to watch them smoosh. But smoosh they will, I think, by season’s end. And the lead up will be exciting to watch. Then we just need Serena to sleep with Chuck and I think we’ll have covered all our bases, right? Then everyone will have slept with everyone? (Vanessa/Chuck, Vanessa/Nate, Vanessa/Dan. Blair/Nate, Blair/Chuck, Blair/Dan. Serena/Nate, Serena/Dan, Serena/Chuck.) That’d be it! Of course Erik has the weirder sex records complete already — Erik/Bart Bass, Erik/Rufus/Dorota’s husband, Erik/Wallace Shawn, Erik/Erik, Erik/Around-the-way-trick on East 127th, etc.) — but the main characters finally completing the full incest cycle will be pretty interesting. Come on, writers, you can do it! I believe in you! (I do not believe in you.)"
"Except, sigh, they had no idea where to go. For a while they just wandered around town muttering her name, mostly near respected avant garde theaters, as that’s where an actress of Katie Cassidy’s quality is likely to hang out in New York. But that was to no avail. Oh where could she be! They looked under beds and in closets and behind the creepy furnace in the basement, but she was nowhere, just nowhere, to be found. What were Blair and Dan to do! Ohhhhhhhh. I knowwww. They were to turn to the internet, the magical tragical device that can tell you where things are in an instant. Blair got out her computer and yelled at it “Katie Cassidy!!!!” but nothing happened. Dan shook his head and laughed, Blair clearly had never used a computer before. He knew what to do. He took a photo of Katie Cassidy and stuck it in the CD drive. And yet, nothing happened. Embarrassed, Dan backed away from the computer and he and Blair stood there for a long, long time trying to figure out how else to use it. And then suddenly it struck them like Donna’s boyfriend in Palm Springs: GOSSIP GIRL. That’s the name of the show they were on, and she’s a real person or something, so they could ask her!! Blair went to go get her magic eight ball, but Dan stopped her and said “No, we can ask her on the computer."
"Where she was was the famous Booze Bottle Motel, a place in Queeeennsssss!!! where they put a lot of mostly empty booze bottles in your room and then scatter some pills around so you can really be present with the whole gritty milieu. It’s mostly for gossip girls who want to slum it. Anyway, there is where Serena woke up, all moany and sex-noisy, confused, knocking over pills and bottles, making more sex noises, and then calling 911 to tell them she didn’t know where she was (but she suspected it might be in Queeeensss!!!!) and could they please send a car. Which, haha. Right. OK. I don’t know. Whatever. Call me crazytimes, but if I woke up with a nasty hangover in a strange place, I don’t necessarily think that my first thought would be to call the police for rescue. Sadly I’d probably feel deep shame for myself, try to find my shoes, and scurry the fuck out of there. You know what I’m saying? I guess I would figure that I got myself into the mess, so it was my deal to get myself out of the mess. But maybe that’s just me! Maybe the proper thing to do is, yes, call the police. So good job Serena. Kids, if you ever wake up feeling woozy in a motel room, especially one you fear might be in darkest Queens, you call the police right away. Don’t search for your underpants and wallet in a vain attempt to recover from the night before, don’t stumble to an ATM and hail a cab and try to forget it all happened as the borough fades in the window behind you. Just call 911 and let them deal with it. That’s what you do, you hear me?"
"Basically, America’s answer to Vanessa Redgrave, Katie Cassidy, leaked a story to Page Six about Serena’s sex affair with her professor, Dr. Jonas P. Dickknickers. Everyone read it and everyone was like “I thought Dr. Dickknickers was gay!” and it was just the talk of the town. How embarrassing. The Dean of Frowning at Columbia heard about it, and poor Jayne Atkinson had to do another scene with Blake Lively about it. Luckily the luminous Kelly Rutherford (I intend no sarcasm there, this lady needs her own show) was on hand to school the Dean of Being Concerned About Students’ Social Lives in a little lesson about things, so put that in your poop-pipe, Columbia. Serena was impressed that her mother stood up for her at the meeting, but less impressed later. See Lily then went on to call up nü-Meryl herself, Katie Cassidy, and was like “Come the fuck over here, bitch.” So Katie Cassidy did come the fuck over and Lily broke a teacup over her head and then shoved a live pigeon down her throat and was like “You wanna talk? Huh?? You wanna talk to newspapers about MY DAUGHTER? Well how you like the taste, stoolie? Huh?? How you like the FUCKIN’ taste?” Katie Cassidy calmly took the pigeon out and was like “You know, I did leak the story, you are right. But! We both know, Lilly Sniterswittson, that this was not the first time Serena has lowered herself onto a teacher’s pointer. NOT THE FIRST TIME AT ALL.” Lily flinched and opened the locket around her neck and poured more of the delicious ether it contained into her tea. So that must be it, huh? The dude what’s in jail? Kinky Cassidy’s broheim? He’s the teacher at boarding school that Serena made love to, right? Gross!"
"The best scene of the whole episode was Dan talking to sad Rufus. Rufus was there with a pile of floppy waffles, really his whole life a floppy waffle, and he just looked so glum and dejected. Dan was leaving, Jenny was dead, Lily was off somewhere draping herself in cardigans and other strange full-body wraps that she seems to favor, and Erik was interviewing at Wesleyan. Wesleyan! Oh my, Erik is going to become one of those, one of them. Those huddled, knobbly masses draping themselves over street corners in Greenpoint, fitting into narrow slits on the L, dancing with noodle-limbed abandon at Sugarland on special occasion nights. It’s going to be so bad. So bad in a few years’ time. But for now, he’s just interviewing. Just going for a visiting weekend, just falling in love over and over again with every idealistic young thing in tight denim. There he was, skipping off into a gay glittery (broken glass glitters) life, while his step-dad was back in the glass-walled aerie in New York, fiddling despondently with floppy waffles, hearing the tin and rush of time ebbing away filling the room. Oh lives! What a round of a song! I’ll start and then you’ll come in later and I guess… I guess I’ll probably be done before you, and I’ll just look back and you’ll still be there singing, some verse or bar that I only vaguely remember now, but I do remember loving it. What a sad thing! Erik at Wesleyan! Dan with a broken heart!"
"Meanwhile, Serena is still all hot in the pants region for her professor, Joan’s husband from Mad Men. Oh man. You know how sometimes this show tries to be all, like, artsy with its sexiness? Oh hahaha, gosh and gloryoski, that is totally what they did this episode, and it was so gross. The first instance was with Serena and Joan’s husband, as they met for “office hours”. For them “office hours” meant having weird flirty conversation while the camera slowed down just a little bit and started doing really weird, unpleasant extreme closeups on the characters’ mouths and whatnot. They weren’t even talking about anything sexy! It was just mildly charged dopey banter, but they were supposed to be like completely doing their sinful business in their own pants. And I think we were supposed to be too? Like, with every closeup and soft fade or whatever, I think that we were supposed to be all “Uhrrmm… Excuse me, I have to… OOOoooOOhhhhh gyuhhhhh…. [long horrible pause] Never mind.” I think that was supposed to happen in our pants while watching that scene on Gossip Girl last night! But most of us, perfectly normal adults who just happen to be watching Gossip Girl because that’s what they have on in the prison common room, just barfed a little and then cried because we weren’t allowed to change the channel. Stop with the trying to be sexy, Gossip Girl!"
"Suddenly then it was the first stabbing streaks of early morning, and Erik, our silent Ajax, was jogging down Riverside Park, a content quiet in his breathing, a pearly peace in his mind. He was running fast, the streetlamps flickering off one by one behind him, following him. The warm, furious light of the sun was beginning to spread a new glow out over the world. And it was like this always, Erik knew then. Each day new and separate from the last. Every morning, everything new. A chance, once again, always, for something different."
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